I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
