i was born a porn star she said
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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