Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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