Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
now i know why i became what i already was.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Drunk is not a location!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
