i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
