i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
