come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
