i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
