I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I didn't notice because vodka
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
