He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
