You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
