Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
