I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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