Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
