I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
