k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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