she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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