I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
