i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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