If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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