I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
