So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
