believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
