i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
