My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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