Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
