i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
