Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
