If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
