im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
