Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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