that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
