I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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