I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
