I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dignity is for republicans.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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