my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
