you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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