I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
