at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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