took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
