I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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