just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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