it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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