dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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