thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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