I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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