me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
