I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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