11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
