I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
