2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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