How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
