I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
