Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
