We had to coat check the pizza.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Such a big mess for such a small penis
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
