Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
