youre lurking in front of me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
