Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
